My cousin sent me another email that left me ‘in stitches’ pun intended!!
Actual Entries on Hospital Charts
This item was sent to me by my old buddy whom I call “Jawn”. He’s a psychologist, and his brother Jim is indeed an M.D.
Jawn sends: “When I recently visited my brother Jim, a family practitioner, I had some time to kill while he finished office hours. So I idly leafed through some patient “charts” that were stacked on his desk. As you see, good writing runs in our family.”
-She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
-On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
-The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
-Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
-Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
-The patient refused autopsy.
-The patient has no previous history of suicides.
-Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
-Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
-Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-She is numb from her toes down.
-While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
-The skin was moist and dry.
-Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
-Patient was alert and unresponsive.
-Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. (OUCH)
-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
-Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
-Skin: somewhat pale but present.
-The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
-Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
-Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
-Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
The nurse became ill during surgery and vomited on the patient. She was taken from the operating room and stitched up. Patient remained anesthetized and dressed in his unawares.
-According to patient, accident was caused because he was receiving gratification of an oral manner from female driver of car.
-Although diarrhea and vomiting may have been caused by improper medication, hospital food cannot be ruled out.
-Patient ran out of hospital naked with only a gown open in back on…Since it is below freezing outside, we expect no problem in quickly finding patient.
-The sponge was not forgotten in the patient after surgery. The sponge remained in the patient after surgery.
-The patient wrote a very nice note thanking the nursing staff for helping him achieve a normal orgasm.
-He was admitted to ER complaining of acute constipation. Removed large accidental cucumber from rectum, which relieved condition. He doesn’t know how cucumber got into rectum. Advised that it might be good idea to remove all potentially dangerous fruit and vegetables from home environment.
-This patient has been enemaed within an inch of her life!
-She said her fiance Darryl would cover all her medical expenses. We called the number she provided and got the local Pizza Hut. There was nobody there named Darryl.
-This woman is 91 years old, comatose and on life support. The family has been calling me daily to see if there is any way we can bring her to consciousness long enough for her to sign a will they’ve drawn up.
-Patient was admitted with multiple painful contusions to the groin. Patient said he was trying to teach himself tightrope walking.
-Patient was admitted to ER with two gunshot wounds to the left leg. He does not know how he got these wounds, but he thinks they probably came from someone shooting at him with a gun. ER staff tentatively agreed with this possibility, pending further investigation.
-He pried the cork out of a wine bottle with his teeth and a pocket knife. The cork lodged in his esophagus and the knife left several cuts on his lips and nose. He has promised to buy a corkscrew as soon as he is released. His wife asked us to tell him not to open beer bottles with his teeth anymore either, as several teeth have been cracked and chipped.
-The patient’s family smelled of cheese, so I thought it best to have them meet in the lobby.
-Mrs. G. in 3F received Mrs. P. in 3C’s Tetracycline, while Mr. K. got Mr. O.’s physical therapy. This went on for ten weeks before anybody noticed. 4A is stark raving mad and should be in a mental hospital. Dr. L. hasn’t set foot in this nursing home in over a year, yet I see his signature on all kinds of new charts and meds. Our paychecks are always late. Mrs. J. [the head administrator] hides in her office all day and won’t talk to the staff or take phone calls. The janitorial staff is drunk all the time and the place is filthy and constantly smells like a sewer. Most of the nurses can’t speak or understand simple English. The son of one of our residents threatened to beat me with a golf club. You have consistently ignored my memos on these subjects and not returned my phone calls. Before I end up like 4A, I’m quitting. Consider this my letter of resignation