Today’s post is a painful and private one, coming deep from a part of my past that generally stays hidden behind lock and key. However, a song (isn’t that just typical?) brought it to the forefront of my mind the other day and I told myself that if I could influence one woman, just one, to break free from the chains that bind her, then I have not ‘aired the dirty laundry’ in vain.
Once upon a time, there was a teenage girl who had drive, determination, a strong will, and was generally very positive about herself. All of these traits should have saved her from the pain that she experienced one summer and a bit beyond.
This outgoing gal met an outgoing guy. Their relationship began with what appeared to be mutual respect, but soon turned into power plays and acts of domination. This outgoing, positive gal, self confident gal began to doubt herself and most horribly, doubt her worth. She began to believe what she was told over and over again by this guy: no one will ever love you, I’m as good as you will ever get it, you are worthless, you are less than nothing.
Her self esteem sunk and she began to feel caged. Her chains of doubt and self loathing began to grow and strengthen. She kept the dark thoughts inside herself and pasted a smile on her face, even while she doubted the love of those around her: father, mother, sisters, friends. Some friends began to ask questions, wonder why this gal began to withdraw from social gatherings, only hang out with the guy, they may have even suspected what was behind the attitude change.
You see, when you enter into an abusive relationship, you may not even recognize it at first. You sometimes may sense that this is a bad guy and that may seem exciting to you, but you lie to yourself. You tell yourself that you can handle it. I truly thought I was safe from this sort of relationship because I really had the confidence in who I was and I believed that I was a great person. But something happens when you shift your focus away from how you see yourself, and willfully hand that over to another person. I began to question my own views, how I saw myself, and I began to doubt my own self worth. I believed that maybe I had been wrong about myself all these years and that this guy really saw who/what I was.
It is a horrible feeling to sink below satisfaction in yourself. You begin to hide those feelings, you begin to pull away from people that might see how much you hate yourself. You don’t want the embarrassment of something calling you out from your arrogance to shine the light on what a ‘miserable wretch’ you truly are.
Sweet friend, if you are stuck in an abusive relationship, run now, today, away. There are save havens nearby, find one immediately!